['bad . bad . \n',
'bad . \n',
'that one word seems to pretty much sums up beyond the valley of the dolls . \n',
"if that summary isn't enough for you , how about t&a , t&a , t&a ? \n",
"still haven't got the point ? \n",
"other than director russ meyer's predilection for casting attractive large breasted women who ultimately expose the afore-mentioned anatomical areas , there is really only one other reason to recommend even taking a look at this movie . \n",
'that is the fact that it was co-written by famed film critic roger ebert , who also was responsible for the screenplay . \n',
'after watching this movie you will never be able to sit through another one of his reviews where he gives a movie a thumbs down for bad writing with a straight face . \n',
'this movie stinks out loud . \n',
'quite frankly , this movie deserves a . \n',
'but there are parts of it that are so bad they are almost funny . \n',
"so i'm giving it a . \n",
'and maybe that is too generous . \n',
'right from the opening credits , i knew that i had a class-a bomb on my hands . \n',
'not only are the way the credits actually shot distracting , but the first scene you see includes a big breasted young woman being chased by a guy in a nazi uniform . \n',
'i had absolutely no idea why the hell that was happening ( it does get explained later ) and as soon as the first scene is over , we cut to a completely unrelated scene . \n',
'to be honest , as i sat through this movie mesmerized by just how incredibly awful it was , i actually forgot about the seemingly out of place opening until it popped up again later in the film . \n',
"with the quality of the writing during the rest of the film , it wouldn't have surprised me if the opening had never been explained . \n",
'so what is this movie about ? \n',
'you ask . \n',
'like it really matters . \n',
'ok , here goes . \n',
'this all-girl band headed by kelly macnamara ( dolly reed ) and her friends go to hollywood to try to gain a foothold in the music industry . \n',
"once there , they do manage to find success ( due as much to their hooters as anything else ? it sure wasn't for their brutally bad singing voices ) , and the movie chronicles how their lives change for the worse as the pressures of fame get to them . \n",
'everything from big egos , to booze and drugs to free flowing sex sends them on a downward spiral . \n',
'there are a couple of other idiotic subplots thrown in for good measure , but the fame is the one that pretty much sums up this thing . \n',
'>from a creative standpoint there is nothing redeeming here . \n',
'other than the above-mentioned obsession with big knockers that russ meyer seemed to have . \n',
'the dialogue is so incredibly bad that it literally is funny in parts . \n',
'mr . ebert has generously thrown in helpings of " hey man " , " dig " and my all time favorite -- " this is my happening , and it freaks me out " . \n',
'now i ask you , with lines like that how can you go wrong ? \n',
'ebert had tried to inject as many big words as possible into the dialogue . \n',
'maybe he thought it would make the movie seem smarter . \n',
"i don't know , but all the big words in the world wouldn't be able to disguise the bad writing and even worse acting . \n",
'but the wretched dialogue goes along well with the wretched quality of everything else in this movie . \n',
"i've seen home movies directed better than meyer managed with this turkey . \n",
'in fact , there is one scene -- the one in which they are in a van driving to hollywood to make their fortunes -- during which i really had to question if meyer or his editors had just suffered serious head injuries . \n',
'add to the directing and writing the music in this movie . \n',
'i almost got up to check my sound system to see if it was broken , there was such a pile of crap emanating from the speakers . \n',
'then we have the cast . \n',
'first lets start david gurian who played harris , the manager of the band . \n',
'this has got to be the goofiest looking guy that has ever set foot in front of a motion picture camera . \n',
"sadly , his acting doesn't come close to making up for his looks . \n",
"if you have been following along up to this point , this shouldn't surprise you . \n",
"meyer's stable of well endowed girls also have the benefit of being fairly attractive to go along with their other assets . \n",
'dolly reed plays kelly , the leader of the band . \n',
'and no surprise here , she was cast for her cup size , not her talents . \n',
'and yes , she does loose the shirt a few times and display her impressive talents . \n',
'sadly , her ass is almost as large as her chest . \n',
"hey , it a sexist movie , so i'm writing a sexist review . \n",
'then we have former playboy playmate cynthia myers in a fairly small role as casey , one of the other band members . \n',
'this goes along with the rest of the idiotic thinking in the movie . \n',
'meyer casts a gorgeous playmate with a rack to kill for and who obviously has no acting talent at all , but her nude scenes are the biggest disappointment of all . \n',
'sure russ , now is the time to get artsy and throw in some well placed shadows . \n',
'on the up side , she does have a fun lesbo scene . \n',
"i sound like i'm writing a review in a porn magazine . \n",
"but hey , i'll admit it ; the only reason that i actually managed to sit through this damn movie was to catch a look at cynthia myers naked . \n",
'and since that was a huge disappointment , i pretty much wasted two hours of my life on this turkey . \n',
'the only thing that i can say about this movie is that you should stay away from it . \n',
'unless of course you want to feel good about yourself by knowing that even a pulitzer prize winning film critic like roger ebert has screwed up at least once in his life too . \n',
"and if you are thinking of checking it out for the double d's -- you are better off just downloading nude cynthia myers pictures off the internet . \n",
'this is a movie that should be avoided at all costs . \n',
'an even better idea might be to require video stores to place a warning on the box of beyond the valley of the dolls -- beware : this movie is extremely hazardous to your common sense . \n',
'proceed with extreme caution . ']